If you want online dating to start working for (and not against) you, all I can say is “Listen up, people!”

As a matchmaker, 99% of the people I have talked to have already tried online dating. Some for two weeks; others for a few years off and on. But, if someone hasn’t done it yet, I will (normally) tell them to go do it and come back to me then and only then.

Why, you ask? Because almost everyone has unrealistic expectations at the beginning! Before I can do my job successfully, you first need to be schooled in the art of Internet dating.

For instance, at the start, some (okay most) women “require” a man within her “four-year dating range”; they want him “to earn over six figures” and stand “over six feet” tall; the list of “demands” goes on! After she’s spent a year of dating online, she’ll be thrilled with someone who is “within 10 years,” “has a job any job,” and now he only has to be “three inches taller” than her.

Conversely, men start out looking for tens. Let them face the harsh reality of how flakey hot girls can be. After a year of online dating, he’s seeking a woman who has a real job and spends less time looking in the mirror and more time looking at him.

Since you’re busy, I’m busy, we’re all busy, I’m cutting right to the chase – pun absolutely intended!

Dear Women,

If online dating isn’t working for you, it’s most likely due to your pictures. I cannot stress this enough – but I’ll try – what you think is cute is probably anything but. Get some input from friends, or be bold (wine helps), and ask the men around you what they think.

Good photos to include are:

Ones showing you laughing because (most) men are attracted to happy women. Others can show you smiling – genuinely – and not looking too seriously serious. Another picture needs to show you all dressed up and out on the town. Show off your style, hobbies and interests, and, most of all, your face. Maybe one of you all dressed up, drinking wine with friends in an upscale bar or restaurant; another from a hike; and yet another from that boat ride or soaking up rays at the beach.

Bad photos to keep off your profile include:

Selfies which, in general, are sad – and selfies of you taking a body shot in the bathroom are way worse. Skip making kissy or pouty lips. You may think it’s funny, but in your online profile, you’ll just seem weird. Don’t be that woman who’s acting 13 years old and making duck faces.

Profile tips to remember:

While we’re dissecting your photo array, let’s take a paragraph to talk about your bio. It’s important to strike a balance between not being too plain jane (literally!) and sounding annoying. Start by sharing a few sentences about what’s most important to you; and toss in a few of the traits you’re looking for in a man. Be sure to be brief, cute but not cutesy, girly but not childish, and – throughout – keep it upbeat! (But, be very careful not to overuse exclamation points!!!!!)

Gentlemen,

If online dating isn’t working for you, it’s also most likely due to your pictures.

Types of photos to include:

A nice picture with your mom or grandmother can make you look cute while still projecting a trustworthy vibe. Showing off your style is a good idea – whether in a business suit, casual outfit, or at a concert or tailgating party. Keep a masculine stance, one that’s not too macho. Ask a female friend to help you pick from existing photos or snap a few new ones of you with your friends, perhaps while getting a drink after work.

Types of photos to leave off:

Selfies may have their time and place – but, on your online profile, it’s just going to make you look weird. Or narcissistic. Or narcissistically weird. A woman browsing online profiles might think you don’t have any friends. Bathroom shots are creepy, as well as gym shots with your muscles all out and a sweaty tank. No matter how good you look without a shirt on, when it comes to your online profile, being topless is too much information. And leave off any photos with your legs crossed. What may seem normal in real life may come across as too effeminate on your profile.

All in all, we know that women are just looking for normalcy because professional-looking men get more swipes than guys taking selfies in their cars.

Keep in mind that matchmakers and dating services are only able to do some of the work for you. But, since another part of our job is to provide no-holds-barred reality checks, here are some parting words:

Men: If those hot girls aren’t emailing you back, it’s because they don’t find you attractive; it’s not because they didn’t get your email. Or maybe they were not impressed that you only wrote “Hey.” You need to focus on giving off a masculine vibe, by asking questions that prove you went beyond just her photos and actually read her bio. The more interested you sound in her and her life, the more likely she is to send a meaningful response.

Women: Same advice. When men don’t email you back, it’s because they don’t find you attractive. The faster you realize they just aren’t into you and move on, the better.

To all: You have to find a way to meet singles face to face. Get out and about on the weekends to bars, restaurants, and outdoor and cultural activities; and become involved with at least one singles group or matchmaking company.